Now it feels like we live in a world where the small people stay small and the big people get bigger, where we are everyday pinned on having a degree or education or forever doomed to working at macdonalds, where some people have to work long and tiresome jobs to "survive" but surviving in these days just seems a lot more complicated and a lot more stressful than what that would be of a wild animals life.
That is why i wonder is life really better, sure people live longer and less people die, but is that even a good thing? who wants to live an extra 20 years once they are 60, from then on its just down hill, i would rather die in my sleep as a 60 year old than slowly become a cripple.
Now to be honest my motivation is slowly getting worse and worse for university, especially in classes i dont like, e.g. Discrete Mathematics/formal foundations of programming. The are beyond boring and beyond disorganised, i dont know how ill pass a paper i cant even stay awake for in class, and when im spending $800 on a course i expect the lecturer to come in on time not 10 minutes late every day and i also expect assignments to be out when they are said to be out, the course website to be out when the course starts. Really putting it down on paper shows how terrible it is.
Its to the point where i spend my time at home looking for things to do, where study is not even an option because i would rather stick my hands with knives than submit myself to that mental torture. I am all good for learning, and im good at it too, but i dont see why i have to sit down and read a book to do it, infact i generally dont see how sitting down and reading a book is going to help at all when in reality, when you go to get a job you ditch all the book bullshit you learnt and they teach you everything you need to know for the job anyway.
I was actually pondering what it would be like if you knew you would die soon, not having to worry about your future or anything beyond your death date, I guess most people would see if as a curse to find your expiry date soon but to me it i think it would bring some sense of peacefulness, nothing to really worry about and living as you please.Though i do somewhat live like that already, i do actually consider my future very often and very seriously.
While its good to ignore your worries and just do whatever makes you feel good at the time, its also very important to know you arent going to condemn yourself to a hell on earth. Its always important to think of all possibilities quickly and know what you can do if everything goes bad. That way when something does go bad you are already a bit ahead on knowing what to do, it not only helps in that regard, but it keeps the anxiety away which further helps you in knowing what to do.
It has happened that i havent thought through what i would do if things went bad a few times and when things did go bad i almost put myself in a spot where i would have screwed myself over for all of eternity, luckily things have seemed to work themselves out and im now in what would seem to be a good spot, though it doesnt feel like it. Plagued by boredom and university work that i am really not enjoying at the moment, i wonder if it is a good spot. My only hope is to try and power through it the best i can hoping to find a job that i will maybe enjoy. Regardless thinking of ways out of bad situations is always a good thing to do.
I havent wrote in a while so it seems i am writing forever, but i guess ill keep going until i have nothing more to say, i was actually meant to be asleep 1 hour ago as i have to get up for university real early because i live over a 1 hour train ride away and i have a 9am lecture, that is another reason why i miss so much university, 9am starts with no potential gain beyond maybe getting an A- instead of a B. Really those grades all seem the same to me, C,B,A at the end of they day if you have a charming personality you will be better than someone who gets straight A+.
Fortunately i have found i normally have a charming personality, and its something i have really learnt over a long period of time and its all really just being flexible, being able to be a different person with different people, being the person that they like not who you want to be because if someone likes you better then it will be a lot easier for you. The best way to tell this is with body language and reactions i have found, treading carefully at first until you get comfortable with what they want and expect and they get more comfortable around you, then you can afford some higher risk-higher gain things and afford to step out of their lines a bit. its something i have found very useful, I guess it all comes down to being manipulative which as immoral as it is, it is a good skill to have and to use.
I think i am finally out of things to say and should really go to sleep so i will ditch now...
