I hate thinking of titles FUUU

I feel my last post was a bit boring, I guess thats because i feel like I have been a bit boring lately, I find myself wanting to get out more but when the time comes to actually go out I really cant be fucked. There is a party on saturday which ill probably go too, hopefully I can find some fun there ;) but in reality I have found whenever i go out im still bored. Just the other day I went to hang with a friend i hadnt seen much, went to her house and we watched a movie and hardly talked, after i schooled her in fooseball of course, and that was boring as hell too. Its like whatever i try to do i find myself bored, and i know that im not the only one because i have friends that have the same thing, or atleast a friend.

On a different note, I am wearing my green shirt with a white polar bear wearing sunglasses. yes it is a awesome as it sounds and it wasnt easy to get either, damn shirt sold out so quick. Green is just so greeney yeaaah, only problem with this shirt is its so awesome im bound to come across someone who is wearing it one day. And i bet it will be some sloppy bearded fat guy knowing my luck. I actually saw a weird stranger wearing a shirt i had once, luckily i wasnt wearing the shirt but i still went home and burnt that shirt anyway. Ok i didnt really but i was grateful that god didnt ask me to wear that shirt.

Ok so i have actually moved houses recently. I guess i havent really talked about that yet, i havent talked about a lot but its my big brothers house, its alright, my room is a damn mess though with piles of clothes because my drawers are up at my Dads. My dad keeps saying he will bring them down but does he ever, no, so i have a mess of a room and a 40 inch TV in the back of my car because it wont fit in my room and i cant get a desk because i have no room because of all the clothes. My dad can be so unreliable sometimes and it pisses me off.  

I guess one thing i have learnt from my dad is how to tolerate annoying shit, he can be so infuriating sometimes but rather than hating on him for it i guess i just need to accept him for who he is, yes he can be a cunt and he is unreliable but i know he loves me and cares, and he does try. I think what is more important than anything is not the actions themself but instead the intent of the actions. 

On top of that my sister is going to have a tough year i think, she is just partying away at the moment and having fun but once she needs a job she is going to have a hard time finding a good one, she spent the last year in hair dressing college and now realised she doesnt want to do it anymore. People are all superficial i guess, that amongst other stuff. I did tell her it was a bad idea to do it but i got called a pretentious cunt because im a uni student i think im smarter apparently. Which i do but its not because im a uni student. The real problem with my sister is she wont listen to anyone and she has a real irrational temper. I can see her just nutting off at her boss because he touched a nerve. She can be real bitchy sometimes and its something she needs to work on, she refuses to listen to dad most the time but she has started listening to me now atleast, so i will hopefully be able to help her out.

I really have a lot to do and no motivation to do any of it, i have a sick feeling in my stomach which i have no idea what is from. Whether it be from the fact uni is starting again and i still havent sorted out my student loan, allowance or accommodation supplement, or if its from some other shity reason, as i started talking about it my whole upper body feels like a million tonnes and my head feels heavy, its a weird feeling really. and i have got it a couple of times in the past few weeks, i guess its my body trying to tell me something all i have to do is figure out the problem.

Anyway i came in planing on speaking about fun and exciting things but ended up writing this :S how depressing, oh well, its way too much writing to erase, i dont know why im so self conscious about my writing. but really im the same with everything, i always feel i am under performing, its terrible really and pretty big confidence killer. My confidence isnt that bad though, or atleast i like to think it isnt, maybe thats why im a cunt sometimes, because bringing people down makes me feel bigger, its quite sad really and its something i have picked up from my dad and something i need to work on.

Well i think thats enough for tonight, its late again, i always write when its late. i guess there is nothing to really distract me

mixed everything

Its been a while since i wrote here, since then I have gone through a lot and have actually sat down to write about stuff many times, just never really got around to actually doing it. Its really quite terrible but I guess now atleast I have a lot to talk about. I guess at the moment I am going back through the life is boring phase, which is why im here again. I am not feeling well and can't sleep but hopefully by the time i have finished ill just crash and die.

Christmas and new years was cool, I have been working a lot lately, hoping to save enough money to set myself up overseas long enough to find a job, if i can't get a job overseas then i guess im screwed and will have to come back to NZ but eeh. You just gotta go where life takes you i guess.

I guess ill start with work. I have been working in hamilton which is like 4 hours north of me, it sucks really. You don't realise how nice it is to have a home to come back to after work until you are living out of a motel for over a week. Honestly there is nothing worse than getting home after working a 12 hour day and you cant even lay on your bed or watch your tv or go on your computer. On top of that the work is shit, shit hours, long days and for lots of days. the pay is good but i sometimes wonder if its actually worth it.

I guess the real reason i do it is to help out my dad, he is a real cunt sometimes which is why noone want to work for him, its probably where i get my cuntiness from which i might get to later, the other thing that sucks is that its physical labour, you will finish work and you have cut and bruised hands, a sore back, you smell like shit and you are are covered in muck. I actually almost died one day i was up there. i was on a cherry picker, which is just a piece of machinery with a big arm and a cage, ill put a picture, but anyway i was on it and was doing some work next to this sun shade which has this big wire rope. The controls werent working from the top so i told my dad to bring it down from the bottom. Rather than bringing it down he swings it sideways and crushes me between this steel rope and the cage of the cherry picker.

thats pretty much it, he just moved it the other way and brought it down but i felt shit. i had this huge welt across my waist where is caught me and i did not feel well. I dont know how people stay calm is those situations but fuck i freaked out. If i had to think with a clear head quickly in a life threatening situation i would be fucked, I actually wanted to try and improve that but, i dunno where i would start or when i could be bothered i guess.

Atleast i got a day off from that anyway i guess, and it was a goood sleep too. anyway im slowly dying here so im going to go kill myself now. jkjk SUICIDE ISNT FUNNY. I am actually getting tired, so ill have to write more in a few days. CHOW YAYA