Welcome back to my dull life

People are scared of dying, but i think life is just as scary. At any time someone's life can turn for the worst and there is no reason that it cant be me or anyone else. What makes it worse is how i act in my life, my complete incompetence, between uni, work, friends and family i really am slack with them all. The only friends i see are the ones i talk to online and sometimes i dont even talk to them there.

I just find that when i want to do something its always at the cost of something or someone, whether it be my uni assignment or my friend from australia who i just stopped talking to. Its fine to be doing what you want when you want, but its important that you dont fuck yourself in the future, and thats what i am really afraid of. If i keep playing with fire i am going to get burned, and who knows what it will be, might be a friend, family or maybe ill just fail uni.

I remember back at the start of uni, I was getting As, now im just a standard C student when i can be an A+ student. I never go to class, i do my assignments last minute, if i do them at all. And all because i think im intelligent enough to pass without putting in the work, which has been true this far, if i applied myself i could really get some good out of it, and i wouldnt even have to apply myself much, just a little. i guess im lucky i dont need to put much work in.

motivation is a big problem for me and i believe it is for most people, its only human that we dont want to do things that we arent in the mood for or find unpleasant. Its easy to rationalise things when you dont want to do them, and still i dont know how to motivate myself.

I talk and think about how everyone can be a better person, but then i cant even motivate myself to get off the computer to go out and socialise with friends. Maybe its time to take some of my own advice and find ways to motivate myself into doing something with my life. ANNYYHOO time for sleep, big test tomorow, and guess what.. didnt study. Anyway ill stop bitching over nothing and maybe write something more fun/awesome very soon.

Late night rumble

I am so hungry, bored, and tired but too tired to sleep. Thats the worst thing to be because when i am in the bored and cant sleep state its when i feel most bored of life. When i cant see the point in life, but all i am really left to do is keep going and trying to improve it and maybe one day ill find the reason for life.

For some its a divine being, maybe its to have a happy family, but in the end its always to fulfil some desire and to reach that desire we have goals, i guess my problem is i have goals but they arent goals to fulfil any desire i have. Infact i am not sure of what my desires are at all. Maybe i should try and find that desire.

Anyway for now i will just have to continue with my life without that reason, hopefully soon i will find it.

The Friendzone

Ok so i have been hearing and seeing a lot of this friendzone stuff on the internet lately and honestly, its not real. So i thought i might speak about my opinion of the friendzone. I have been told from a friend or two that i am good at breaking the friendzone, but there isnt a friendzone anyway, its a fabrication, a myth, its like the lochness monster but worse, painfully worse.

Anyway what is the friend zone, the friendzone is a relationship state where you are forever condemned to be friends and no more than close friends, but regardless of this you "want" to be more. Thats pretty much it, i use want in quotation marks because if you want something you can get it, there is nothing stopping you but you. I honestly believe that the friendzone is a fabrication, something you formulate to stop you from getting hurt or losing a friend or to give you an excuse for being a pussy, it doesnt matter what she/he says you are never in the friendzone indefinitely.

Don't fool yourself, you aren't friendzoned

Sooo how do i get out of the friendzone, i actually dont try to get out of the friendzone because if i want a girl i wont stop until she is mine, but i guess if she doesnt see you in that light you want to make her, be flirty but not obvious, it needs to seem like you are just being friendly playful but also needs to hold more meaning, I am not honestly sure what you do to get out of the friendzone since i dont try to get out, but just normal general seduction tips you will find on the internet really, mimicking, subtly making yourself more like the person you are speaking to, because noone loves anyone more than themself. Noone. umm confidence which should be an obvious and easy one if you are close friend.

One i used to use all the time was tickling, tickling will always take you into a new state of relationship, touching in those ways releases chemicals in the brain which are just totally awesome when you want someone to like you. Just smalls things like that is all you need.

I dunno, i kinda suck at this.. and life, ill just shut up now. All i have to say is the friendzone isnt real, dont put yourself in the friendzone because you will never get out, once you start telling yourself something your brain will subconsciously try to make yourself right, just be awesome and everyone will want you, YEAH MHMM OK COOL

P.S. if a girl doesnt want to go out with you, its not because you are friendzoned, its because she doesnt want to go out with you, sometimes its easier to find a girl that is interested if you arent awesome enough.

I hate thinking of titles FUUU

I feel my last post was a bit boring, I guess thats because i feel like I have been a bit boring lately, I find myself wanting to get out more but when the time comes to actually go out I really cant be fucked. There is a party on saturday which ill probably go too, hopefully I can find some fun there ;) but in reality I have found whenever i go out im still bored. Just the other day I went to hang with a friend i hadnt seen much, went to her house and we watched a movie and hardly talked, after i schooled her in fooseball of course, and that was boring as hell too. Its like whatever i try to do i find myself bored, and i know that im not the only one because i have friends that have the same thing, or atleast a friend.

On a different note, I am wearing my green shirt with a white polar bear wearing sunglasses. yes it is a awesome as it sounds and it wasnt easy to get either, damn shirt sold out so quick. Green is just so greeney yeaaah, only problem with this shirt is its so awesome im bound to come across someone who is wearing it one day. And i bet it will be some sloppy bearded fat guy knowing my luck. I actually saw a weird stranger wearing a shirt i had once, luckily i wasnt wearing the shirt but i still went home and burnt that shirt anyway. Ok i didnt really but i was grateful that god didnt ask me to wear that shirt.

Ok so i have actually moved houses recently. I guess i havent really talked about that yet, i havent talked about a lot but its my big brothers house, its alright, my room is a damn mess though with piles of clothes because my drawers are up at my Dads. My dad keeps saying he will bring them down but does he ever, no, so i have a mess of a room and a 40 inch TV in the back of my car because it wont fit in my room and i cant get a desk because i have no room because of all the clothes. My dad can be so unreliable sometimes and it pisses me off.  

I guess one thing i have learnt from my dad is how to tolerate annoying shit, he can be so infuriating sometimes but rather than hating on him for it i guess i just need to accept him for who he is, yes he can be a cunt and he is unreliable but i know he loves me and cares, and he does try. I think what is more important than anything is not the actions themself but instead the intent of the actions. 

On top of that my sister is going to have a tough year i think, she is just partying away at the moment and having fun but once she needs a job she is going to have a hard time finding a good one, she spent the last year in hair dressing college and now realised she doesnt want to do it anymore. People are all superficial i guess, that amongst other stuff. I did tell her it was a bad idea to do it but i got called a pretentious cunt because im a uni student i think im smarter apparently. Which i do but its not because im a uni student. The real problem with my sister is she wont listen to anyone and she has a real irrational temper. I can see her just nutting off at her boss because he touched a nerve. She can be real bitchy sometimes and its something she needs to work on, she refuses to listen to dad most the time but she has started listening to me now atleast, so i will hopefully be able to help her out.

I really have a lot to do and no motivation to do any of it, i have a sick feeling in my stomach which i have no idea what is from. Whether it be from the fact uni is starting again and i still havent sorted out my student loan, allowance or accommodation supplement, or if its from some other shity reason, as i started talking about it my whole upper body feels like a million tonnes and my head feels heavy, its a weird feeling really. and i have got it a couple of times in the past few weeks, i guess its my body trying to tell me something all i have to do is figure out the problem.

Anyway i came in planing on speaking about fun and exciting things but ended up writing this :S how depressing, oh well, its way too much writing to erase, i dont know why im so self conscious about my writing. but really im the same with everything, i always feel i am under performing, its terrible really and pretty big confidence killer. My confidence isnt that bad though, or atleast i like to think it isnt, maybe thats why im a cunt sometimes, because bringing people down makes me feel bigger, its quite sad really and its something i have picked up from my dad and something i need to work on.

Well i think thats enough for tonight, its late again, i always write when its late. i guess there is nothing to really distract me

mixed everything

Its been a while since i wrote here, since then I have gone through a lot and have actually sat down to write about stuff many times, just never really got around to actually doing it. Its really quite terrible but I guess now atleast I have a lot to talk about. I guess at the moment I am going back through the life is boring phase, which is why im here again. I am not feeling well and can't sleep but hopefully by the time i have finished ill just crash and die.

Christmas and new years was cool, I have been working a lot lately, hoping to save enough money to set myself up overseas long enough to find a job, if i can't get a job overseas then i guess im screwed and will have to come back to NZ but eeh. You just gotta go where life takes you i guess.

I guess ill start with work. I have been working in hamilton which is like 4 hours north of me, it sucks really. You don't realise how nice it is to have a home to come back to after work until you are living out of a motel for over a week. Honestly there is nothing worse than getting home after working a 12 hour day and you cant even lay on your bed or watch your tv or go on your computer. On top of that the work is shit, shit hours, long days and for lots of days. the pay is good but i sometimes wonder if its actually worth it.

I guess the real reason i do it is to help out my dad, he is a real cunt sometimes which is why noone want to work for him, its probably where i get my cuntiness from which i might get to later, the other thing that sucks is that its physical labour, you will finish work and you have cut and bruised hands, a sore back, you smell like shit and you are are covered in muck. I actually almost died one day i was up there. i was on a cherry picker, which is just a piece of machinery with a big arm and a cage, ill put a picture, but anyway i was on it and was doing some work next to this sun shade which has this big wire rope. The controls werent working from the top so i told my dad to bring it down from the bottom. Rather than bringing it down he swings it sideways and crushes me between this steel rope and the cage of the cherry picker.

thats pretty much it, he just moved it the other way and brought it down but i felt shit. i had this huge welt across my waist where is caught me and i did not feel well. I dont know how people stay calm is those situations but fuck i freaked out. If i had to think with a clear head quickly in a life threatening situation i would be fucked, I actually wanted to try and improve that but, i dunno where i would start or when i could be bothered i guess.

Atleast i got a day off from that anyway i guess, and it was a goood sleep too. anyway im slowly dying here so im going to go kill myself now. jkjk SUICIDE ISNT FUNNY. I am actually getting tired, so ill have to write more in a few days. CHOW YAYA

Chocolate Time

Oooohhh man, I'm getting dead sick of these 1 hour train rides followed by a 20 minute walk to university, problem is is that it's impossible to find a place to live here, it's like barren of all habitable locations. I guess the good thing about the train rides is I get to think a lot, thinking is good. Its amazing what you can learn and figure out just from thinking, I like to think about everything, the conversation I just had with someone, it's really quite amazing what hidden messages are within everything that was never intended to be there. If you are very logical and use good general knowledge, you can figure out almost anything, you can figure out someones personality just at a glance, at a paragraph they wrote. THAT'S RIGHT, this is how psychics seem psychic, they don't read minds, they are just smart people being smart.

Annywyaayy I don't know how that ramble started but lets continue, I actually cracked my notebook screen last week, I was quite a sad panda, but I have stayed strong and will just continue to use the piece of shit cracked screen that is leaking black fluid throughout the rest of the screen. Its like my screen is being corrupted by an evil spirit, maybe I should take it to a priest to be cleansed. Ok ok that was terrible I'm sorry (cough).

Other than that nothing exciting, SWISS CHOCOLATE, my gosh it must be the best thing ever, I love swiss chocoalate, nomnomnom. That was my treat for freaking out in my German oral. I get in the room and I don't even know what came over me, I sitting there trying to do my oral and my hands were shaking terribly. I wasn't really concerned for my grade either, and my marker has to be the sweetest woman on the face of this earth, I want her, I shall claim her as my pet human. Second to my Gummibär of course, my Gummibär is irreplaceable :)

I think that's it for today, girls are crazy and stuff, just stuff

Yawn

Its cold tonight... to cold, I think something is going on, maybe Dr Evil is starting his evil ploy to freeze the people of New Zealand, which is strange because today when I had a nap I woke up pretty much choking on the sweat and thick air because it was so hot. Well maybe it isn't Dr Evil after all.

Another things that is disappointing is there are no stars, the sky is clear and the night is pretty calm, and still no stars. Do you know what I would like to see right now? Stars, that's right, I am not sure why I even want to, I have never really been interested in them but tonight I can't have them therefore I want them. I can't even see the moon tonight either, so there is no moon to comfort me on this lonely night.

Speaking of lonely activities, I went and played some tennis by myself yesterday, and now half of my body is aching, which is strange because I was barely able to hit the ball after 2 years of not playing, so somehow missing the ball has given me sore muscles. Well to be honest I didn't miss all of it, just missed it too much. Damn you tennis.

Hmm, I have started drinking sparkling water now, it is wonderful. I mean how could it be worse, it's like standard water, but sparkling :O so pretty. Ok really though how it all started was I bought some water from the supermarket because the tap water here tastes like shit, so I am just buying some water on a normal day and when I get home what do I find. It is sparkling, so I have 3 litres of this sparkling water which tastes worse than the tap water, but i have already paid for it so I may as well drink it. So I tough it out and drink all the sparkling water, and turns out by the end I didn't mind it, in fact its actually quite nice. last benefit is its popular in Germany, oooohh yeah Germany here I come.

Since I have nothing else to say I shall end there, I have other important matters related to Dr Evil anyway :O

P.S Ich bin ein Gummibär und ich liebe mein Gummibär